| Ivy's
Hints for Private Kindergarten Admissions Success |
| • |
The
parent essay will be the school’s first
impression of your family. A professional writer
can make you sound more appealing than you really
are. |
| •
|
You
want your nursery school director to gush about
your family in her recommendation. Do something
gush-worthy when your kid is in nursery school.
Need ideas? Major donation. Major donation. Or,
alternatively, major donation. |
| •
|
Wax
your daughter’s mustache before her first
visit. Private schools take cute kids exclusively.
|
| •
|
Do
not take your babysitter to a private school interview
to answer the questions you don’t know. Just
make something up. During your parent interview,
do not talk about the lessons you learned in drug
rehab or how jail made you a better parent. |
| •
|
Do
not put on a power point presentation extolling
your child and family at the parent interview
unless you can do it in a way that seems spontaneous. |
| •
|
During
your interview, don’t tell the admissions
director that it really doesn’t matter what
she thinks; you’re best friends with someone
on the board. This can backfire. Don’t ask
the admissions director how her school accommodates
children with ADHD or whether there is a nurse
to dispense Ritalin. |
| •
|
Ladies,
if your husband can’t make a parent interview
due to a last minute conflict, an emergency replacement
can be found at Saks or Barneys men’s departments.
Any sales associates will be dressed appropriately.
Just tell him to smile and keep his mouth shut.
You do the talking. For the diversity advantage,
consider choosing a sales associate of a different
ethnicity. |
| •
|
Try
not to insult the secretary in the admissions
office. She will make your file incomplete faster
than you can say, “where the hell is that
butt-ugly admissions director; doesn’t she
know how valuable my time is?” |
| •
|
Dress
your child in fancy party clothes for traditional
or single-sex school interviews and casual play
clothes for progressive school visits. If your
child is interviewing at a school requiring a
uniform, dress her in the school’s uniform.
Subconsciously, the admissions director will think
there’s a fit. Also, it is never appropriate
to dress your child in a Halloween costume, even
in October. |
| •
|
Under
no circumstances should your child bring live
birds to his interview, even if they are in a
cage. |
| •
|
If
your child still uses a pacifier, carries a security
blanket, or picks her nose, find a look-alike
kid to interview on her behalf. When you send
your kid to school in the fall, say the habit
developed over the summer. |
| •
|
Ask
friends who are already in the school to tell
the Admissions Director how wealthy and philanthropic
you are even if you’re not. Once you’re
in, pretend you’re one of those miserly
rich people. |
| •
|
If
your child either clams up or falls apart at his
interview, call the school and tell them he came
down with an ear infection,103 degree fever, and
projectile vomiting that very night. Ask for another
chance. You have nothing to lose. He has already
been rejected. |
| •
|
If
you happen to be pregnant now and your child is
due in September, ask your doctor to induce labor
in August. Otherwise, your kid won’t make
the age six September 1 cut-off. You’ll
be looking at an extra year of nursery school
tuition. |
| •
|
Don’t
let anyone tell you that this process is about
your child and her intellectual potential. It
is about you and your donor potential. |
| |
|
| |
|
